Today, a few times, Sir pushed me against the wall, kitchen worktop, door etc, and kissed me. A few times, he bent me over and humped my backside. A few times, he slipped his hands down my trousers and either tried to play with me or tease me about sticking his finger in my bum (which I really hate). Needless to say, these things got me a little breathless (in fear in the case of the latter situation).
This wouldn't have happened before we had the baby. I was very independent and sex was always on my terms. Now, although I can refuse sex, I prefer to be forced (consensually, of course) - it turns me on. Now of course, this is never rape - I am usually ready and willing to receive him!
It was me who initiated these changes, and I think some will wonder this is 'topping from the bottom'. I don't think so. I requested this change, Sir agreed, and it was a mutual agreement - although that is as far as it goes. I may request sex, although Sir has the right to refuse it (not that he would). I may ask him to help me, fetch me something, deal with the baby, and he has every right to turn around and say "no". However, if he wants something fetching, help him in anyway, even make him a cup of tea, I'll do my best to do it. Sex is slightly different, and something we're working on. If he asks for sex, I currently can say no, but I always give a valid reason; for example: it's eleven o'clock at night; I'm really tired because the baby has been tetchy all day; I've walked to and from the Dr's surgery with a buggy, baby and changing bag to fetch your prescription. Usually, he will accept this. Sometimes, he sighs, gets sulky and moody, and I feel guilty for not giving him what he wants. In these situations, more often than not, an internal dialogue ensues...
"but I don't want to have sex right now! If I try, I won't be lubed up enough and it will hurt! It will take ages for me to cum!"
"but don't you feel bad for withholding this from your Sir? If you don't do this now, then he'll just masturbate tomorrow, and that will make you feel even worse - that you couldn't provide the release he needed."
There are many reasons that I'll beat myself up about not having sex. If this happens in the future, I'll make sure to remember my internal conversations and note them down here.
We have also recently discovered that I enjoy, well, we'll call it breathplay but it's not really. When I masturbate, sometimes if I'm having difficulty cumming, I'll hold my breath and 'force' it (woah - forced orgasm?!). One particularly het-up night, he randomly put his hand on my throat - it was what I had been silently willing him to do, and the fact that he did it ratcheted me up quite a few more notches! Since I enjoyed it that one time, he has taken to doing it every so often. He doesn't choke me, stop me breathing - it's just that pressure on my neck, restricting my breathing, the control he has over me.
That he's big bad daddy bear turns me on. That he's stronger than me and, no matter how much I may fight, I can't release myself from him, turns me on. He might not be the buffest bloke out there, but the fact that he can overpower me - well, it overpowers me.
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